MOTORSPORT /// F1 /// 2017 GRAND PRIX OF SPAIN (12.5.2017 – 14.5.2017) /// UNWANTED COMMENTARY: SHALL WE DO THIS LIVE?…

  • ¡Hola!
  • Welcome to the Spanish Grand Prix!
  • Or, the Formula 1 Gran Premio de España Pirelli 2017.
  • …If you’re feeling fancy.
  • Anyhoo, it’s live on NBCSN this morning.
  • …(If you’re in the US…and, looking for an escape from the news.)
  • …(F1 IS LOUD, TOO!!!  VERY SHOUT-Y!!!  MUCH BETTER INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS!!!)
  • Sooo…
  • …(And, I just read that starting sentences with “So…” is an American thing.)
  • …(Do I get bonus points for mine, having a ‘slight’ Valley girl tone?)
  • …(I didn’t specify as to whether the points were to be given or taken away.)
  • Circuit de Barcelona-Catalunya…
  • …Which is in the Montmeló area of Barcelona.
  • …(I say that as if I know the area.  I looked it up.  I like research.  It’s good stuff.)
  • …The circuit is 2.892mi (4.655km) in length.
  • …It is shaped like an overconfident tourist, flexing his shit for cameras at San Fermin, just before the final warning sounds and shit gets real with some very confused bulls.
  • …There are 16 turns.
  • …All run clockwise.
  • …Which is nice.
  • …There are 66 laps scheduled (for today).
  • …Which would bring the grand total distance to 190.826mi (307.104km)…
  • …If the task is completed.
  • …But, as usual, it must be noted that this is F1.
  • …Anything can happen.
  • …And, most of that will.
  • …Remember last year’s Spanish Grand Prix?
  • …When Hamilton and Rosberg (finally) took each other out…
  • …So, Paddy Lowe had to kill them…
  • …(Bygones)…
  • …And, Verstappen won…
  • …In his first race with Red Bull?
  • Tires!
  • …Today’s choices will be Softs (yellow), Mediums (white), and Hards (orange).
  • …With the moist track options of Intermediates (green) and Rains (blue) available.
  • …If needed.
  • …But, that’s not looking likely.
  • …As the forecast of rain has dissipated.
  • …In favor of 71ºF and sunny.
  • …With 8-ish mph winds.
  • Last year…
  • …Red Bull’s Max Verstappen took the win.
  • …And, was accompanied by Ferrari’s Kimi Räikkönen and Sebastian Vettel (on the podium).
  • This year, the grid looks like this (with last year’s results)…
  • …#44 – Lewis Hamilton (GBR) – Mercedes (DNF) / #5 – Sebastian Vettel (DEU) – Ferrari (3)
  • …#77 – Valtteri Bottas (FIN) – Mercedes (5) / #7 – Kimi Räikkönen (FIN) – Ferrari (2)
  • …#33 – Max Verstappen (NLD) – Red Bull (1) / #3 – Daniel Ricciardo (AUS) – Red Bull (4)
  • …#14 – Fernando Alonso (ESP) – McLaren (DNF) / #11 – Sergio Perez (MEX) – Force India (7)
  • …#19 – Felipe Massa (BRA) – Williams (8) / #31 – Esteban Ocon (FRA) – Force India (N/A)
  • …#20 – Kevin Magnussen (DNK) – Haas (15-Renault) / #55 – Carlos Sainz, Jr. (ESP) – Toro Rosso (6)
  • …#27 – Nico Hülkenberg (DEU) – Renault (DNF-FI) / #8 – Romain Grosjean (FRA) – Haas (DNF)
  • …#94 – Pascal Wehrlein (DEU) – Sauber (16-Manor) / #9 – Marcus Ericsson (SWE) – Sauber (12)
  • …#30 – Jolyon Palmer (GBR) – Renault (13) / #18 – Lance Stroll (CAN) – Williams (N/A)
  • …#26 – Daniil Kvyat (RUS) – Toro Rosso (10) / #2 – Stoffel Vandoorne (BEL) – McLaren* (N/A)
  • …*Vandoorne qualified 19th, but received a 10-place penalty.
  • …Any McLaren mechanical should just be classified as “McLaren-Honda” at this point.
  • Here we go!
  • Vettel takes the lead!
  • Ooo!
  • …Crashy stuff!
  • …It’s Kimi!
  • …And, a Red Bull!
  • And, we’re under a Yellow Flag.
  • Kimi’s left-front wheel is bent and sticking.
  • …(As he tries to get back to the pits.)
  • And, Verstappen (the Red Bull in question) is limping around the track.
  • …He’s radioing that his suspension is broken.
  • …So, that’s terminal.
  • Kimi had to pull off track.
  • …So, that’s two top drivers, out.
  • On replay…
  • …It appears that there was contact between Bottas and Räikkönen.
  • …But, honestly, it looks like another one of those squeezing incidents.
  • …Where there are just too many cars in the same place, as they round a turn.
  • …Kimi radioed that someone hit him from behind.
  • …Verstappen was waving his hand in rage.
  • …And, Bottas was on the inside, going about his business.
  • …Stewards have decided “no further action warranted”.
  • …Well, yeah…
  • …Both are out, and it was a racing incident.
  • …However, this little kid in the stands, in full Ferrari gear, has decided that this is the worst thing to ever happen.
  • …Seriously, the kid is in full meltdown.
  • …You can see his mom, pointing, trying to show him that Kimi’s fine…
  • …You can see that she’s saying, “Kimi”.
  • …I keep laughing at those shots, because I’m a dick.
  • …God, people love Kimi.
  • …Even little kids love him.
  • …Pity about those casualties, though.
  • …They had great starts.
  • Stewards have moved on…
  • …To investigating the possibility that Alonso forced his friend, Massa, off track.
  • …Massa is (currently) running last.
  • …There we go, no further action.
  • At Lap 14…
  • …Vettel, Hamilton, Bottas, and Ricciardo lead.
  • …With Perez, Ocon, Hülkenberg, Grosjean, Wehrlein, and Ericsson in the top ten.
  • …(Yes, both Saubers, in the top ten.)
  • …(Let’s do this.)
  • …And, Kvyat, Magnussen, Sainz, Alonso, Stroll, Palmer, Vandoorne, and Massa (still) very much in it.
  • Um…
  • …Okay…
  • …So…
  • …You can’t race in pitlane.
  • …However…
  • …Magnussen and Sainz just did.
  • …They came in together.
  • …They were released at the same time.
  • …Aaannnddd…
  • …They decided racing was an okay idea.
  • …With Sainz (actually) going into the grass.
  • …You don’t see that every day.
  • …Because…um…you can’t do that.
  • …Stewards are investigating.
  • …And, things are shouty over the Haas radio.
  • …With Magnussen, the Viking, being the calm one.
  • …I think they’re upset with Sainz.
  • Vettel has pitted.
  • …With no pitlane racing.
  • At Lap 20…
  • …With a bit of pitting to make things weird…
  • …Hamilton, Bottas, Vettel, and Ricciardo lead.
  • …With Wehrlein, Perez, Ocon, Hülkenberg, Magnussen, and Sainz in the top ten.
  • …And, Grosjean, Kvyat, Alonso, Stroll, Ericsson, Vandoorne, Palmer, and Massa (still) rolling.
  • …Unlike Verstappen and Räikkönen.
  • …Who are out.
  • …Again, lots of tire changes.
  • …So, take those standings with a grain of salt.
  • …(Insert clever ‘tire graining’ comment -here-.)
  • Hamilton pits.
  • …Bottas inherits the lead.
  • …Which should be considered a serious threat.
  • …As he just won at Russia.
  • …So, he could hold it.
  • Vettel is all over Bottas.
  • …Like, in the driving way.
  • …Not the usual, because Bottas is Finnish (and Vettel loves Finns) way.
  • …Man, this is brutal!
  • …This might not end well for anyone.
  • …Vettel get around Bottas.
  • …Without crashing.
  • …Which is nice.
  • …Oh, hey, that perked up the crying kid!
  • …That’s nice.
  • Hamilton passes Bottas.
  • …Bottas has yet to stop, by the way.
  • …Hamilton -could- take these tires to the end.
  • At Lap 27…
  • …Vettel, Hamilton, Bottas, and Ricciardo lead.
  • …Perez, Ocon, Wehrlein, Hülkenberg, Magnussen, and Sainz are in points positions.
  • …And, Grosjean, Kvyat, Alonso, Ericsson, Stroll, Vandoorne, Massa, and Palmer are (still) in it.
  • …(Maybe) not to win it.
  • …But, there’s a lot of race left, and there are (still) points to be grabbed.
  • Ericsson passes Alonso.
  • …No problem.
  • …Vettel loops them both.
  • …With no obstructions to yell about.
  • FYI…
  • …I just jumped at catching the reflection of my arm (while stretching) on my screen.
  • …Early morning races, man.
  • …Also, I’m jumpy.
  • I’m not saying the race is boring…
  • …It’s not.
  • …But, there’s just nothing to report at the moment.
  • …It happens.
  • Did you notice the changes on the cars?
  • …The three-letter name abbreviations were added to the “shark fins”.
  • …And, the numbers (on the front) were enlarged.
  • …Which is nice.
  • …Although, the positioning on the bend of the nose makes it a bit hard to see.
  • …On TV.
  • …(Maybe) it’s awesome in person.
  • Virtual Safety Car.
  • …Bad touch between Vandoorne and Massa.
  • …Massa carries on.
  • …This isn’t the first time he’s done this (with a McLaren) today.
  • …Vandoorne stops off track.
  • …That one was (all) on Vandoorne.
  • Lots of pitting.
  • Wehrlein has pitted.
  • …He was the final holdout.
  • …We (all) see what you’re doing, Sauber.
  • …And, I, for one, support it.
  • …They need some points.
  • Hamilton has pitted.
  • Back to Vandoorne and Massa…
  • …Massa gave some good hand waving there.
  • …And, Vandoorne (instantly) felt blame and shame.
  • …Radioing, very quietly, his apologies.
  • …He’s just learned a valuable lesson, there.
  • Vettel pits.
  • He exits alongside Hamilton.
  • Holy shit!!!
  • Clearly, Hamilton has blocked-out last year.
  • …As he’s just run into Vettel.
  • …Hamilton goes off.
  • …Briefly.
  • …But, they (both) carry on.
  • …Oh, dear god.
  • …Hamilton is radioing complaints.
  • …When it was he who dove in an around section.
  • …Is this where things get ugly?
  • Bottas is stopped!
  • …In a cloud.
  • …Replay shows him running just fine.
  • …Then, suddenly, this violent-pulling-of-a-zip-tie sound.
  • …And, he was in a cloud.
  • …Man, he jumped out quickly.
  • …God, that sucks.
  • …Shit day for Finland, man.
  • No further action on the Hamilton/Vettel matter?!
  • …What the goddamn fuck?
  • …No, really.
  • …That was so bad!
  • …There’s some careless shit going on today.
  • …They’re like those aforementioned San Fermin bull runners.
  • Hamilton has passed Vettel, by the way.
  • Wehrlein has been slapped with a five-second penalty.
  • …For…
  • …Sit down, and take a deep breath…
  • …Going in, rather than around at pit entry.
  • …Godfucking dammit.
  • Magnussen has requested radio quiet.
  • …A very calm, “Just let me drive.”.
  • …He’s Nordic.
  • …We’ve heard this before.
  • …Like, from Bottas, at Russia.
  • Oh!  Hey!
  • …That little kid (who freaked out over Kimi’s crash) was invited to go meet him!
  • …Oh, that’s nice.
  • …All smiles.
  • …It seemed to perk Kimi up, too.
  • …Remember, he’s got a little one at home…
  • …Celebrating Mothers’ Day, with Minttu…
  • …Who’s pretty close to welcoming their second mini…Kimtu?
  • …That’s what we do, now, isn’t it?
  • …Make up stupid combination names for every fucking duo.
  • …Anyhoo, that was (genuinely) nice to see.
  • I’m just going to toss this out there…
  • …If Hamilton and Vettel were to collide…
  • …Gently, but (mechanically) terminally…
  • …As it stands…
  • …It’s be a Ricciardo, Perez, Ocon podium.
  • …Just saying.
  • …I’d be willing to make some sacrifices for a greater good.
  • …(A win for Ricciardo, and two Force Indias on the podium.)
  • …(Admit it, it’d be rad.)
  • …Also, it’d keep Wehrlein (safely) in the points.
  • …Again, just saying.
  • …Also, Ericsson is in 12th.
  • …Just.  Saying.
  • At Lap 61…
  • …Hamilton, Vettel, Ricciardo, Perez, and Ocon lead.
  • …(In a Kramer voice, “You got that right!”.)
  • …With Hülkenberg, Wehrlein, Sainz, Magnussen, and Kvyat in the points.
  • …And, Grosjean, Ericsson, Alonso, Stroll, Massa, and Palmer (still) racing hard.
  • P.S. If you missed it (earlier)…
  • …Toto Wolff did a Herman Munster celebrating thing…
  • …WITH a weird fist pound.
  • …The gang was (all) there.
  • …I vote for that as Driver of the Day.
  • Kvyat passes Magnussen.
  • What just happened, there?
  • …Grosjean passed Magnussen.
  • Oh!
  • …Oh, no!
  • …Magnussen has a puncture.
  • …He has to pit.
  • …At Lap 66/66.
  • …Oh, he got it in a bad touch with Kvyat.
  • Hamilton wins.
  • More importantly…
  • …Alonso finished…
  • …And, is flying a Spanish flag.
  • …Cue Starship…
  • …Because, nothing’s going to stop him from flying that.
  • Anyhoo…
  • …Hamilton wins.
  • …He’ll be joined on the podium by Vettel and Ricciardo.
  • …(This will be Ricciardo’s first podium this season – wrap yo’ noggin ’round that shit.)
  • …Perez and Ocon improve on ‘Thelma and Louise’ by flying into the end together in fourth and fifth.
  • …And, Hülkenberg, Wehrlein, Sainz, Kvyat, and Grosjean take some points home.
  • …Ericsson just falls out of the points (after a very promising drive), landing in 11th.
  • …Alonso wills his McLaren into 12th.
  • …And, Massa, Magnussen, Palmer, and Stroll complete the task.
  • …Just one of those weird, shitty days for Williams.
  • …They have those.
  • By the way…
  • …If you missed it…
  • …The Mercedes garage must be going for some new level of awkwardness.
  • …As Niki Lauda just pulled Bottas in for a hug.
  • …The feed went elsewhere, before we could see if they completed it.
  • …Another contender for Driver of the Day.
  • Note that, in the circuit caricature, (winner) Hamilton is joined by Roscoe.
  • Speaking of Hamilton…
  • …Is he okay?
  • …He was really quiet over the radio (through the race).
  • …Then, in the podium green room, he just sat there, with his helmet (still) on.
  • …Then, slowly, started removing things.
  • …Sat there some more.
  • …Finally got up.
  • …And, slowly, got a towel and some water.
  • …So…hurt or sick?
  • Vettel is your Driver of the Day.
  • …Not Wolff’s excitement.
  • …Or, the Lauda/Bottas hug.
  • …Or, that kid who loves Kimi.
  • Hey!!!
  • …Susie Wolff!!!
  • …Laughing with Toto, as always!!!
  • …This is her first trip with their new baby.
  • …(She’d posted a packing update to Instagram.)
  • …Baby Jack’s dad is an F1 boss.
  • …His mom’s an F1 driver.
  • …Damn, (maybe) she should have gotten Driver of the Day.
  • Pedro de la Rosa will be doing the podium interviews.
  • …Was it just me who thought that he’d be a reserve driver for Ferrari until the end of time?
  • …Yes?
  • …Okay.
  • Mercedes has sent their rear jack man to accept the team trophy.
  • …Apparently, it’s his birthday.
  • …So, that’s awesome.
  • …I do like the odd team trophy acceptance nominees.
  • …It’s a huge team endeavor, so why not give as many a go as possible?
  • de la Rosa straight-up asked Hamilton if his neck is okay.
  • …Yes, but the race (totally) drained him.
  • Just an update…
  • …With the five-second penalty…
  • …Wehrlein drops one place, to eighth.
  • …So, awesome job by Wehrlein and Sauber…
  • …Getting up there, going with that strategy, then managing that position…
  • …To preserve those points (with that penalty).
  • …Those were points well-earned for Sauber.
  • …And, it’s worth mentioning that Ericsson was running in the points for a good part of the race.
  • …Before getting lost in the pitting shuffle, and slipping behind.
  • …But, then, bouncing (back) up to 11th, and fighting to the end.
  • …So, after a rough start – and, delayed start for Wehrlein – we’re (finally) getting a glimpse of what they can do.
  • …So, yay.
  • But, can I revisit Force India for a moment?
  • …I mean…
  • …Boom.
  • …Pink power.
  • …They’re just doing their thing…
  • …Ocon’s (still) just getting the hang of things…
  • …Picking up points in every race…
  • …Keeping up with Perez…
  • …And, there they are.
  • …Fourth in the Constructors’ standings.
  • …With a massive lead over Toro Rosso.
  • Oh, and there’s Ocon.
  • …Oh, my god, you can tell his mind is being blown.
  • …Yeah, these guys are having a great time.
  • …Satisfied with where they are, accepting that they’re not in the race at the top, while (still) fighting for more.
  • …And, winding up racing at the top.
  • …Because, they -are- that good.
  • …Their team is that good.
  • …And, their car is that good.
  • I’d mentioned (a few races back) that it seems like Verstappen has (really) settled into his position as a leading driver…
  • …Really maturing not only in his driving, but (general) temperament.
  • …And, he’s just placed blame on a racing incident.
  • …Things got too tight around the turn…
  • …Bottas tapped Kimi, Kimi hit him, no one had anywhere to go, but out.
  • …So, though he was doing some hand waving after it happened…
  • …He’s learned to take a deep breath, review what happened, and take it as a lesson for future use.
  • …Which is all I wanted to see last year, when he was dabbling in (potentially destructive) defiance.
  • …Which could lead to a short career, either by fucking up, or people just not wanting to work with him.
  • …So, yay and yay and yay.
  • Kvyat!
  • …Kvyat hated his car.
  • …It wasn’t working for him at all (this weekend).
  • …And, he wasn’t holding back on the matter.
  • …He’d even said that he would rather start from pitlane (than the back row of the grid).
  • …He started 19th (after Vandoorne’s penalty bumped him to 20th).
  • …He finished ninth.
  • …Now, that’s a race.
  • …Ooo, and he’s got blisters on his hands to show!
  • Wehrlein!
  • …Oh, they (as a team) had decided on a one-stop yesterday.
  • …The plan was two, but he said he was up for a one-stop.
  • …So, he’s good physically, and not just ready to fight, but fight hard.
  • …This is what Sauber needed.
  • …This is (definitely) what Wehrlein needed.
  • …And, hopefully, Ericsson’s breakthrough moment isn’t too far away.
  • …I mean, today was a good fucking day (for them).
  • …Just keep going, guys.
  • Okay, well, that’s that.
  • Here are your Drivers’ Standings…
  • …Vettel – 104 / Hamilton – 98 / Bottas – 63 / Räikkönen – 49
  • …Ricciardo – 37 / Verstappen – 35 / Perez – 34 / Ocon – 19
  • …Massa – 18 / Sainz – 17 / Hülkenberg – 14 / Grosjean – 5
  • …Wehrlein – 4 / Magnussen – 4 / Kvyat – 4 / Ericsson – 0
  • …Stroll – 0 / Alonso – 0 / Giovinazzi – 0 / Palmer – 0
  • …Vandoorne – 0
  • And, here are your Constructors’ Standings…
  • …Mercedes – 161 / Ferrari – 153 / Red Bull – 72 / Force India – 53
  • …Toro Rosso – 21 / Williams – 18 / Renault – 14 / Haas – 9
  • …Sauber – 4 / McLaren – 0
  • Next up…
  • …I mean…
  • …Yeah…
  • …It’s Monaco.
  • …Ooohhh, Monaco.
  • …I love Monaco.
  • …Like, so…hard.
  • …I’m getting excited, just typing this.
  • …Okay, getting my shit together…
  • …Memorial Day weekend…
  • …Now, remember, the schedule is different for Monaco.
  • …They run Practice 1 and 2 on Thursday.
  • …With Friday being dedicated to schmoozing.
  • …(They run the annual charity fashion show and such.)
  • …So, unless things are running differently this year, it will kick off on Thursday, May 25th.
  • …With the race on the 28th.
  • …Also of note…
  • …It is (also) the Indy 500 (that weekend).
  • …Remember that Alonso will be in Indy.
  • …And, that Button will be taking his place (in Monaco).
  • …Got all that?
  • …Monaco!!!
  • Okay, yeah, I’m cool.
  • …I’m fine.
  • …Not at all like that little Kimi fan.
  • Bygones.
  • See you in Monaco!
  • …(Monaco!!!!!!!)
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