MOTORSPORT /// F1 /// 2017 GRAND PRIX OF CANADA (9.6.2017 – 11.6.2017) /// UNWANTED COMMENTARY: SHALL WE DO THIS LIVE?…

  • Hey, guys…
  • Let’s take off…
  • TO THE GREAT WHITE NORTH…
  • (It’s a beauty way to go!)
  • If you haven’t guessed…
  • …It’s time for the Formula 1 Grand Prix du Canada 2017!
  • And, if you’re watching from just a bump across the southern border…
  • …Like I am (from just across the Manitoba and Ontario borders, in Minnesota)…
  • …You’re tuning in to one of a handful of races being presented on NBC (proper).
  • Okay, let’s get to the fun facts, shall we?
  • Circuit Gilles-Villeneuve…
  • …(Montréal, Québec, Canada)…
  • …2.710mi (4.361km) in length…
  • …Shaped a bit like a narwal…
  • …With 14 turns…
  • …And,run clockwise…
  • …With 70 laps scheduled (today)…
  • …Which would bring the goal (total) distance to189.686mi (305.27km).
  • …But, as always, this is F1.
  • …Anything can happen.
  • …And, most of it will.
  • …After all, Canada is home to the infamous Wall of Champions, you know.
  • Tires…
  • …Today, teams will be choosing, using, and abusing two of three selected compounds…
  • …Ultrasofts (purple), Supersofts (red), and softs (yellow).
  • …With additional Intermediates (green) and Rains (blue) available, if needed.
  • …It’s (currently) 85F-ish (in Montréal).
  • …And, though cloudy, the race is predicted to be a dry one.
  • In 2016…
  • …Mercedes’ Lewis Hamilton took first…
  • …Ferrari’s Sebastian Vettel took second…
  • …And, Williams’ (now with Mercedes) Valtteri Bottas took third.
  • And, in 2017…
  • …Well…
  • …Your top-three qualifiers look very familiar.
  • …Here’s your Starting Grid (with last year’s results in parentheses)…
  • …#44 – Lewis Hamilton – GBR – Mercedes (1) / #5 – Sebastian Vettel – DEU – Ferrari (2)
  • …#77 – Valtteri Bottas – FIN – Mercedes (3) / #7 – Kimi Räikkönen – FIN – Ferrari (6)
  • …#33 – Max Verstappen – NLD – Red Bull (4) / #3 – Daniel Ricciardo – AUS – Red Bull (7)
  • …#19 – Felipe Massa – BRA – Williams (DNF) / #11 – Sergio Perez – MEX – Force India (10)
  • …#31 – Esteban Ocon – FRA – Force India (N/A) / #27 – Nico Hülkenberg – DEU – Renault (8)
  • …#26 – Daniil Kvyat – RUS – Toro Rosso (12) / #14 – Fernando Alonso – ESP – McLaren (11)
  • …#55 – Carlos Sainz, Jr. – ESP – Toro Rosso (9) / #8 – Romain Grosjean – FRA – Haas (14)
  • …#30 – Jolyon Palmer – GBR – Renault (DNF) / #2 – Stoffel Vandoorne – BEL – McLaren (N/A)
  • …#18 – Lance Stroll – CAN – Williams (N/A) / #20 – Kevin Magnussen – DNK – Haas (16)
  • …#9 – Marcus Ericsson – SWE – Sauber (15) / #94 – Pascal Wehrlein – DEU – Sauber (17)*
  • …*Wehrlein qualified 20th, and will start from pitlane (following a five-place grid penalty, for an unscheduled gearbox change).
  • TAKE OFF!!!
  • Jesus christ, is that a swarm!
  • …With no contact!
  • Ooop, yeah, now there’s contact!
  • Sainz is in the wall.
  • Aaannnddd…
  • …A Williams…
  • …Oh, so help me, if that’s Stroll…
  • …It’s Massa.
  • …And, that was a huge crash.
  • …Massa is visibly…
  • …From space…
  • …Furious.
  • …On replay, something happened to Sainz…
  • …Whose car went (completely) out of control…
  • …And, nailed Massa at full speed.
  • …Okay, now Sainz and Massa are under investigation…
  • …But…
  • …Who started it?
  • …Who hit Sainz?
  • Alonso radios, saying that the start was crazy and that everyone needs to calm down.
  • …Um…
  • …Yeah.
  • Take off!
  • Jesus!
  • …What is everyone on?!!!
  • Something has flown off Vettel’s car.
  • Kimi has given the wall a little love tap.
  • …(To the tune of “Love Cats”, if you so choose.)
  • IT WAS GROSJEAN!!!
  • …On replay!!!
  • …He didn’t -cause- it, but it was Grosjean that flipped Sainz into Massa.
  • …After Sainz squeezed Grosjean to the track limits.
  • …So, that’s pretty straightforward.
  • At Lap 10…
  • …Hamilton, Verstappen, Bottas, and Ricciardo lead.
  • …With Perez, Räikkönen, Ocon, Hülkenberg, Kvyat, and Alonso in the top ten.
  • …Hold on…
  • Verstappen is off.
  • Virtual Safety Car.
  • There’s Dr. Helmut Marko.
  • …Who’s going to punch someone.
  • …Then, replace everyone.
  • Engine failure appears to be the culprit.
  • …(For Verstappen’s retirement.)
  • …Based on the sound.
  • Right…
  • …What’d I miss?
  • …I had to take a potty break.
  • …It was a very ‘Strange Brew’ situation.
  • Vettel was in 18th.
  • …He’s up to 13th.
  • Kimi’s in fifth.
  • If you’re wondering where the Ferraris went.
  • …They’re serving time in Hell, for the shady shit they pulled at Monaco.
  • …(And, please, hold your mansplaining; I’ve gone over it over and over, including tire issues and pit stop timing, and so on, and so forth; they made a choice.  End of story.)
  • Magnussen is under investigation for passing under the Virtual Safety Car.
  • There’s some pitting.
  • …For tires.
  • …Räikkönen, Ricciardo, etc.
  • …So, fuck the standings, eh?
  • By the way…
  • …As shit needs to be in English and French…
  • …And, Montréal is (officially) French-speaking…
  • …(Well, Québécois.)
  • …Just pretend this is (all) in French (as well).
  • …My French isn’t great, and…no; just no.
  • Ocon is (currently) running in third.
  • …I just felt that was worth a mention.
  • Okay, on the matter of Alonso, giving McHonda until September to get their shit together…
  • …McHonda won last night’s F1 Raft Race.
  • …(And, were joined by Toro Rosso and Sauber on the podium.)
  • …So, there’s some debate going on.
  • …As to whether (or, not) that counts.
  • …I’m going with “no”.
  • …But, pulling for “sure”.
  • Stroll, all over Magnussen.
  • …The Canadian, on the American car.
  • …Together?
  • …Team America.
  • …Fuck, yeah.
  • McHonda has requested that Alonso resist short shifting, here and there.
  • …Alonso multitasks, and puts one foot out the fucking door.
  • At Lap 25…
  • …Hamilton, Ocon, Bottas, and Ricciardo lead.
  • …With Perez, Räikkönen, Alonso, Vettel, Magnussen, and Stroll in the top ten.
  • …Hülkenberg, Kvyat, Vandoorne, Grosjean, Palmer, Ericsson, and Wehrlein remain very much in the game.
  • Stroll pits.
  • …From 10th.
  • …Remember, he has yet to score a point in this race.
  • …And, he’s a local.
  • The F1 app has just cut-out.
  • …Okay, it’s back.
  • Five-second penalty for Magnussen.
  • …For blatantly passing Vandoorne under the Virtual Safety Car.
  • Alonso radios complaints with the tires.
  • …Most of which was a rolling ‘r’, saying “Räikkönen”.
  • …I’m not sure Kimi needs any more going on in that name.
  • Is that Trudeau?
  • …With his friend, Barry?
  • …On jetpacks?
  • …It’s windy out there, bros.
  • …(I may have failed to mention that winds are exceeding 12mph.)
  • …(They are.)
  • Speaking of natives…
  • …Thus far (this weekend)…
  • …There’s been a squirrel and some birds on track.
  • …The woodchucks are on their way.
  • …Also, know that it’s turtle crossing season.
  • …I’ve seen a couple, trying to cross the road, every week (lately).
  • …Anyhoo…
  • …Life in a northern town.
  • …Oh, Canada.
  • Ocon pits.
  • …He reenters in sixth.
  • …Between the Ferraris.
  • …So, a World Champion ahead.
  • …And, a four-time World Champion behind.
  • Alonso…
  • …”Embarrassing power in this mode.”
  • …Same, here.
  • …If you missed it, Alonso led the Indy 500 (for a while).
  • …But, ultimately, in the closing laps, had a patented McHonda engine failure.
  • …But, man, was it exciting while it lasted!
  • At Lap 36…
  • …Hamilton, Bottas, Ricciardo, and Perez lead.
  • …With Räikkönen, Ocon, Vettel, Alonso, Hülkenberg, and Kvyat in the top ten.
  • …And, Magnussen, Vandoorne, Grosjean, Palmer, Stroll, Ericsson, and Wehrlein (still) rollin’.
  • Can I just bitch about Ferrari a little more?
  • …Okay, so, following the Monaco Grand Prix, pictures of Vettel’s forever-and-then-some girlfriend and their kids popped up.
  • …Which was super-cool to see.
  • …They’re super-private, she’s rarely been seen since they started a family, and, yeah, it was just cool.
  • …Then, suddenly, they disappeared.
  • …All of them.
  • …Everywhere.
  • …Which was annoying.
  • …Look, I’m big on privacy.
  • …And, in this circus, I get it.
  • …Especially, with kids.
  • …But…
  • …Here’s the thing…
  • …If you’re going to show up at Monaco, you’re going to be seen.
  • …There’s no way around it.
  • …It’s where people go -to be seen-.
  • …So, I mean, come the fuck on.
  • …Again, I’m huge on privacy.
  • …Believer-in, and practitioner of.
  • …But, let’s cut the crap, shall we?
  • …I am very disappointed in this.
  • …No, not, like, in the mad way…
  • …But, yeah.
  • …Just, again, it was just very nice to see.  Nice to see that Hanna felt comfortable enough to not only show up at the most publicized round of the season, but bring the kids.
  • …Not that she was going to become a media whore or anything.
  • …But, yeah…
  • …If any of this makes sense.
  • …I care about the humans involved.
  • …I really do.
  • …”WaGs” rule.  They work hard, and put up with a lot.
  • …Often, drivers are the dudes who introduce you to awesome people you’d never find (otherwise).
  • …I like Hanna and Seb.
  • …If I were capable of love, they’d be (total) couples goals.
  • …Anyway, it was just nice to see her.
  • …Sorry for being weird and judge-y.
  • …Don’t worry, I’m not a stalker or anything like that.
  • …I have severe social anxiety, and believe I’m not worth knowing.
  • …That got weird.
  • …I’m sorry.
  • …Bygones.
  • Okay…
  • …Back to the real reason we’re (all) here.
  • Stroll passes Alonso (for 10th).
  • …As I was typing standings.
  • …Because, that’s how we’re rolling today (I guess).
  • Let’s try this (again)…
  • …At Lap 50…
  • …Hamilton, Bottas, Ricciardo, and Perez lead.
  • …With Ocon, Räikkönen, Vettel, Hülkenberg, Kvyat, and Stroll in the top ten.
  • …And, Alonso, Grosjean, Palmer, Ericsson, Magnussen, Vandoorne, and Wehrlein running.
  • …Sainz, Massa, and Verstappen remain very much out.
  • YES!!!
  • …A little clip of last night’s F1 Raft Race!
  • …Seriously, if you didn’t see the video and photos…
  • …Do so.
  • …Right after the race.
  • …Just go through the F1, team, and circuit social media feeds.
  • …Renault called it “epic”.
  • …A term that is grossly overused.
  • …But, 100% appropriate for what went down last night.
  • Perez is riding Ricciardo.
  • …Seeking third.
  • …But, Ocon, who’s right on Perez, has radioed that he thinks -he- can make the push.
  • …A lot of back-and-forth has ensued.
  • …Perez, pleading to let them race (rather than use team orders).
  • Kvyat is making a frantic call.
  • …He’s ordered in.
  • …Whoa!
  • …And, I don’t know what’s going on.
  • …There are issues with a tire mix.
  • …The engine sounds wonky.
  • …It sounds like they’re directing Kvyat to stop the engine.
  • …Yep, they’re pulling him in.
  • …He’s been fighting that car through the entire race.
  • …So, double-retirement for Toro Rosso.
  • The Force Indias are (still) in a radio debate over what to do.
  • …With the concern being, something needs to happen before the Ferraris catch up.
  • …Aaannnddd, here comes Kimi.
  • …Perez can do it.
  • …There’s zero doubt about that.
  • …But, maybe, today, his car can’t.
  • …They’ve let it go too long.
  • …Now, Vettel’s passed-up Kimi.
  • …So, Force India’s got to decide on a move.
  • …Like, now.
  • …There’s no room for Ocon to hold back.
  • …Come on, guys!
  • Kimi has blown a turn.
  • …And, he’s been radioing issues with smells.
  • …Which is (always) awesome.
  • Vettel is right on the Force Indias.
  • Kimi’s getting audibly frustrated over the radio.
  • …As they’re relaying various setting adjustments to try.
  • Oh, my god!
  • …Vettel’s all over Ocon!
  • …Ocon’s alongside Perez!
  • …Did they touch?!!!
  • …Vettel and Ocon?!
  • …Ocon went off!
  • …He’s back on!
  • …Now, -he’s- on Vettel!
  • …But, Vettel’s right on Perez.
  • There’s a local Yellow.
  • …But, where?
  • …And, who?
  • …Oh, it’s Alonso.
  • …Two fucking laps away from his first points of the season.
  • Alonso has abandoned the car…
  • …And, has hopped over, and into the stands.
  • …He is (actually) in the crowd!
  • …He’s with the fans!
  • …Fuck yeah, fuck that shit!!!
  • …That may be the greatest “fuck you, peace out” since Kimi got on a yacht at Monaco.
  • Oh, jesus.
  • …The Force Indias are fighting, side-by-side, to the finish.
  • …Slow clap.
  • …What a fucking mess.
  • Anyhoo…
  • …It’s over.
  • Blah, blah, blah…
  • …LANCE STROLL TAKES NINTH!!!
  • …His first points of the season.
  • …At home.
  • Okay, as Hamilton flies the Union Jack around the circuit, here’s how it went…
  • …Hamilton takes his sixth Canadian Grand Prix win (to match six poles).
  • …And, will be joined by Bottas and Ricciardo (on the podium).
  • …With Vettel, Perez, Ocon, Räikkönen, Hülkenberg, Stroll, and Grosjean completing the top ten.
  • …And, Palmer, Magnussen, Ericsson, Vandoorne, and Wehrlein surviving the challenge.
  • …Unlike Sainz, Massa, Verstappen, Kvyat, and Alonso, who did not.
  • …(Yes, you read that correctly, Palmer just missed points.)
  • Well…
  • …That was very quiet at the front.
  • …Chaotic just behind.
  • …And, eventful the rest of the way back.
  • Is that Trudeau…
  • …On a chariot…
  • …Being pulled by fish?
  • …With Obama…
  • …On a jetski?
  • …Bygones.
  • Hey, no wildlife.
  • …That was nice.
  • While they crank out the national anthems…
  • …Can I just remind everyone of the movie ‘Canadian Bacon’?
  • …With John Candy?
  • …Michael Moore, before he shifted his focus to documentaries?
  • Anyhoo…
  • That was some weird, random champagne spraying.
  • …There was bumping into one another.
  • …Spraying nothing.
  • …Okay.
  • Hey, it’s Patrick fucking Stewart!!!
  • …He uses the poop emoji in his social media bios.
  • …Alongside a photo of him, in a ball pit.
  • …The dude’s a party!
  • Bottas wanted a mic.
  • …He wasn’t given one, and was signaling to Patrick Stewart that he needed one.
  • …This may be the first time a Finn has ever been in that position.
  • …The awkwardness had to have been off the fucking charts.
  • …I hope he recovers.
  • …One day.
  • SHOEY!!!
  • …PATRICK STEWART HAS REQUESTED HIS OWN SHOE!!!
  • …HE’S CHUGGING IT!!!
  • …”I’VE MADE THE PODIUM FOR THE FIRST TIME, I WILL DRINK OUT OF ANYONE’S SHOE!”
  • …(When Hamilton gives him props on going for it.)
  • …AND, THAT’S WHY HE’S “SIR” PATRICK STEWART.
  • …AND, THAT’S WHY HE’S JUST WON THE CANADIAN GRAND PRIX.
  • …Hot damn, the North American rounds never fail to give the give of batshitfuckingcraziness.
  • Hey…
  • …So…
  • …Did anyone ever find Alonso?
  • Oh, there he is!
  • …He was going to throw the gloves into the crowd, but the grandstands were too far.
  • …So, he just climbed on over.
  • …The thinks IndyCar might have rubbed off on him a little.
  • …He did mention (on Thursday) that the Indy atmosphere was completely different (from F1)…
  • …That everyone seems to enjoy their selves more (in IndyCar).
  • Now, onto another winning driver who keeps getting fucked over…
  • …Kimi.
  • …Who managed to cross the line, in spite of brake failure.
  • …But, as usual, he’s not giving anyone much to report on.
  • …It was a bad weekend.
  • …They’ll move on.
  • …Team, team, Nordics don’t like talking about themselves, team.
  • After all that, Ocon is -still- smiling.
  • …Oh, my god.
  • …This kid is fantastic.
  • …When asked if he thinks his teammate (also) had the team in mind…
  • …He went with a “no comment”…
  • …And, a laugh.
  • …Interestingly, he didn’t have any idea that they’d told Perez to let him past.
  • Oh, onto Perez…
  • …Who took a long pause, with an exhale, before answering “Are you proud of what you’ve achieved today?”.
  • …He sounds absolutely jacked.
  • …Like, his adrenaline is (still) at an absolute high.
  • …Speaking really quickly, and just 100% convinced that he could have gotten Ricciardo…
  • …Had Ricciardo made any mistakes.
  • …So…
  • …Whose fault is this?
  • …(Not that they totally fucked up, but they could have done better.)
  • …Honestly, I’m going with the team.
  • …Perez is Perez.
  • …He’s a manimal.
  • …It wasn’t a case of him, thinking he could pass Ricciardo…
  • …He was absolutely sure he could, and that’s where his focus was.
  • …If they wanted him to let Ocon by, they needed to bust out that Force…
  • …Construct a clear plan, then relay it even more clearly.
  • …As it stands, Perez drove like the manimal he is.
  • …With only his car slowing him down.
  • …And, his teammate, trying to balance being a team player with Vettel right on him.
  • …So, yes, I do believe Force India will have some chatting to do.
  • …But, it’s not the end of the world.
  • …They both rocked it.
  • …As they do.
  • …The team just discovered a weak point in their chain.
  • STROLL!
  • …To everyone who has been calling for him to be dropped…
  • …Feel free to review his shit luck (this season).
  • …Being caught in this, in that, by this, by that.
  • …All of which has overshadowed solid numbers, from testing to today.
  • …And, today, he’s taken his first points.
  • …Under the hometown disadvantage.
  • …Give the kid a break.
  • …He’s 18, he’s a rookie, the Williams has had some issues this season…
  • …He’s fine.
  • …And, cut the crap about his place being bought.
  • …This is F1.
  • …Every one of these seats is paid for.
  • …Whether from personal accounts or sponsors obtained through connections…
  • …Which are made through a lot of talking and game-playing.
  • …Money gets you in.
  • …But, it’s talent that keeps you there.
  • …Thus far, he’s held his own.
  • …Let’s just give him (and everyone else*) the benefit of the doubt…
  • …And, see what he does with this opportunity he’s been given.
  • …*Except Ferrari.
  • …The kid kicked some major ass (today).
  • …He’s got more points than all of McLaren.
  • …Let’s just do that being happy for the guy thing.
  • …Cool?
  • On the subject of McHonda…
  • …I don’t know what the solution is.
  • …Look, I’m a person who’s guilty of sticking with shitty things, convinced that the situation will (somehow) get better.
  • …I get it.
  • …I mean, they have a solid past, and, when someone wants a reliable car, the first names that spring to mind are Honda and Toyota.
  • …But, for whatever reason, this isn’t working.
  • …And, outside, looking in, I can assure them that they’ve given it enough time.
  • …They started to do a little better last season.
  • …But, this season has been a serious slide backward.
  • …If they can get started on their research right now, they might have a shot at a solid midfield+ car with a Mercedes power unit (next season).
  • …Sauber has (already) committed to a Honda partnership (for 2018).
  • …Which puts Honda in a lower-pressure position to try to pinpoint their issues and fix them.
  • …Sauber, having had their own issues for several years (now), and lacking the (current) prestige and budget for proven top drivers, while (still) holding enough cards to attract talented and experienced drivers, are better equipped to deal with experimentation.
  • …So, I guess you could look at it as moving aside, and handing it over to the experts.
  • …I do not have a solution for the Alonso dilemma.
  • …Mercedes is expected to extend Bottas’ (one-year) contract.
  • …Ferrari…
  • …A) has no real reason to break up that team.
  • …B) I can’t imagine Alonso returning to Ferrari – especially with Vettel.
  • …And, Red Bull remains a bit hit or miss (with success).
  • …Williams could be looking for someone (as Massa -did- come out of retirement for this season).
  • …But, again, they’ve been struggling.
  • …So…
  • …I don’t know.
  • On that note…
  • …I think that’s aboot (yep) that for the Canadian Grand Prix.
  • …Which, by the way, has extended its F1 contract through 2029.
  • …So, yay (so many times over).
  • But first, the Championship standings…
  • The Drivers’ Championship…
  • …Vettel – 141 / Hamilton – 129 / Bottas – 93 / Räikkönen – 73
  • …Ricciardo – 67 / Verstappen – 45 / Perez – 44 / Ocon – 27
  • …Sainz – 25 / Massa – 20 / Hülkenberg – 18 / Grosjean – 10
  • …Magnussen – 5 / Wehrlein – 4 / Kvyat – 4 / Stroll – 2
  • …Palmer – 0 / Ericsson – 0 / Alonso – 0 / Vandoorne – 0
  • …Giovinazzi – 0 / Button – 0
  • The Constructors’ Championship…
  • …Mercedes – 222 / Ferrari – 214 / Red Bull – 112 / Force India – 71
  • …Toro Rosso – 29 / Williams – 22 / Renault – 18 / Haas – 15
  • …Sauber – 4 / McLaren – 0
  • Next up…
  • …Azerbaijan.
  • …The ancient-meets-futuristic streets of Baku.
  • …For its sophomore year.
  • …Coming at you…
  • …BOOM…
  • …June 23rd – 25th.
  • …(The standard Friday – P1, P2 / Saturday – P3, Q / Sunday – GP deal.)
  • …So, write that down on a Post-It, and stick it to your face.
  • …And, remember, if you’re going…
  • …You might be seen.
  • …Possibly by people with cameras.
  • Au revoir!
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